Thursday, December 4, 2014
My Dark Phoenix Moment
Happy holidays gang!
Usually when I go stream of consciousness it goes a bit south. At the same time the honesty is always a good feeling and I always promised to those that read this I would be totally honest..
When you get down to the bottom of it, I really think I am special. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, or worse for that matter, but I know I'm special. My parents always told me so. Like every one's parents did. Rough times and situations have happened and I didn't always connect to my inner belief of being extraordinary. When I did fully connect to it..boy did my whole world change. I started walking with my head higher than ever. The world started to open up to me and opportunity came from all directions. I always knew that I was destined for big things even when I had no idea what I wanted to do. Well that lack of focus did lead to a little bit of drifting..but when you drift with a strong belief in your own epic destiny..you end up having adventures all over the world. On some level I got to the place that I think most people wish to reach at some point in their lives..i really believed that I could accomplish ANYTHING. Didn't matter what it was. When Barack Obama was elected president I called my father and didn't talk about this moment in history or anything like that. I told him "You know dad, I kinda thought I would be the first" He had a good laugh but I was dead fucking serious. If that's what I wanted I believe I could have done it. So I thought a more worthy thing to do with my considerable special-ness and power cosmic was to become a moviestar..
The downside to this epic belief is that when you aren't quite at the lofty levels that you expected to be, it hits you hard. Ill say it till the day I die but if you show me a happy loser ill show you a long time loser. Ive now passed my Hollywood birthday and since college, I've been doing this as long as I was working a "real job" as in a real job with no serious thought of a different pursuit as opposed to the day jobs I work now. I didn't expect to be at the same level but I still feel like I am in the open wilderness. I'm alive, I've got all my fingers and toes but I don't have a compass and no compass would work anyway. I cant navigate by the stars although they are nice to look at. There are people who can help but they cant all the way help as each path is unique through this wilderness. A lot of times I reject their help as I am hard headed. I would hope that by this time I would have maybe gotten on top of a rock and seen the way out no matter how far away it must be. It definitely takes a toll on how special you think you are. :) The fact is that I wanted this wilderness. I chose it on the idea that I can do anything and I cannot wane in my self belief now.
I see friends that stayed on the path I left doing very well in all the traditional sense. That makes me very happy! Ive seen some old enemies that are house shopping in the south of France. That made me frustrated in the moment I heard it whereas now I have had time to process it. Truthfully I must thank them for the re-focus and motivation. So here I am..approaching a birthday and now with a severely injured knee that recently punctuated how much of a wilderness I'm in. Trust me, having a knee injury in college with a full professional physical training staff at your disposal was no fun..it certainly isn't fun as an under insured starving actor. This is about as un-fun as my life has been for a while. But it is always darkest before dawn.. Whats the point of all this??
I promise to myself and my family and everyone who loves and supports me that I will get through to the other side. Im prepared to burn myself in my entirety down right now and be reborn as the person I know that I am inside. I promise that you will not know of a person who works harder than me going forward to make the most of himself in all things. This isnt about acting, money, business, finance or even a big house on the hill. Its that ive finally come to the point where I understand that when I live the life I imagine in my head and go after it..it works out for me.
So with that said..its time for me to start physically rehabbing to get my body strong. Training in all the skills i need to move forward and make my talent strong. Feed my mind more knowledge to make my mind strong and really hone in and move my life towards MY VISION
There is no quote here..but thanks for reading!
@MoviestarAhmad on instagram and twitter